Dear Church Leaders

Church leaders,

We know that you love your congregation! We know that you desire nothing more than to shepherd your herd well and to help people learn more about our amazing God. For that, we thank you!

However, there is one thing we’d love to ask of you…

Please stop saying, “Men, if you struggle with pornography…”

I remember sitting between my mom and dad during one church service. I don’t remember what the service was about, but I remember hearing our pastor say the words, “Men, if you are struggling with pornography…”

My face immediately got hot, and I prayed that my parents couldn’t read my mind. I hadn’t told a soul about my pornography addiction yet, and I sure wasn’t going to now. It wasn’t the first time I had heard a church leader say these words. I had heard things like “Men who are addicted to pornography…”; “Wives, if your husband watches pornography…”; and “Men, you can break free from pornography.”

Nothing about girls. Nothing about women. Nothing. This wasn’t the only factor that convinced me that I was the only girl in the world to struggle with it, but it sure didn’t help.

I’ve since talked to many girls and women about it, and they all say the thing thing. They have, at some point, been convinced that they were alone, that pornography was a man’s problem.

My own spiritual leader told me once that the high school student groups were talking about pornography one night. She was preparing her heart to confess her own struggles with it, excited for the chance to finally confess. When she got to group that night, her own group leader told the girls, “Tonight we are talking about pornography. But since that’s a guy’s problem, we’ll just have a pizza party!”

Talk about being catapulted into isolation.

I can’t speak for everything or everyone. I have no idea if female alcoholics feel isolated when you say things like, “Men, if you struggle with alcoholism.” I don’t know if male victims of domestic violence feel alone when you reference battered wives. I can only speak for myself and the other girls I have talked to who have experienced isolation after hearing church leaders repeatedly reference only men and pornography.

Thank you for loving your congregation well. Thank you for serving the Lord by working in ministry. Thank you for making this small change that will ultimately help the girls and women in your congregation feel less isolated.

Thank you to everyone who works and volunteers in a church or ministry! You’re making a huge difference.