“Am I Addicted to Porn?”
I was 14. I was sitting in who knows what class learning who knows what information. My mind was elsewhere. I was imagining a particular scene from a porn video I had watched the day before. I kept replaying this scene over and over and over again in my mind. I wasn’t focusing on the teacher or the class or my friends whispering behind me. I was thinking about porn.
The moment I got home, I took my iPod touch into the bathroom to watch porn. I locked the door and snuck earbuds into the bathroom so no one would hear the video. When it was over, I casually strolled back downstairs for an after school snack.
I started my homework, but I couldn’t concentrate. My mind was on porn. I tried reading the textbook, and then re-reading the same paragraph over and over again because about halfway through my mind would venture back to a porn scene. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish my homework until I quenched this desire. Thankfully my mom was running to the grocery store. I’d have the whole house to myself.
The moment she left I ran to the computer, excited and desperate to watch more videos. I started watching one, then quickly switched to another. I watched the first 30 seconds of about seven porn videos before I landed on one. Why? The first 7 were boring. They weren’t going to satisfy this desire I had because…well, been there done that. They were soft, boring. I’d become desensitised to them.
That night after finally getting my homework done, much later than I would have if I hadn’t watched porn (but worth it, right?), I said goodnight to my parents and went to bed. I waited an hour or two until I knew they were asleep, and I unplugged my iPod touch from the charger. I put in my earbuds, and watched porn for the third time that day.
It had been about a year since I found porn. A few months later, after I was finally pulled out of this “trance” I’d been in, I no longer felt indifferent after watching porn. Quite the opposite actually. I felt miserable. I felt absolutely disgusting, dirty, shameful, and unworthy. The moment that porn video ended, I swore that I would never ever watch it again. A day would pass, maybe two, and I’d go right back to it.
Temptation. Excitement. “Just one more time.” Porn. Guilt and shame. “Never again.” Empowerment. Temptation. Excitement. “Just one more time.” Porn. Unbearable guilt and shame. “Never again.” Empowerment. Temptation…
This exhausting cycle lasted for years. I couldn’t understand why I just could. not. stop.
If you are like my 14-17 year old self googling “am I addicted to porn?” then this is for you. These are some of the signs that might indicate that you have become addicted to pornography.
1) Porn consumes your thoughts.
Do you find your mind wandering to pornography when you should be concentrating on something else? Do you imagine porn scenes when you are falling asleep?
2) You choose porn over other activities or relationships.
Do you reject phone calls because you’re about to watch porn? Do you watch a porn video before bed instead of reading a book? Have you been late to church, school, work, or social events because you were busy watching porn?
3) You can’t concentrate on other things until you have watched porn.
Do you have to watch porn before you start your homework? Can you not go to sleep without watching porn? Are you unmotivated to do work until you’ve quenched your sexual desires?
4) You have become desensitized to ‘softer’ material.
Have you begun watching more hardcore content because softcore no longer satisfies you? Have you started watching videos depicting violence, abuse, rape, incest, or sex with minors? People don’t usually start out by watching these types of videos. They gradually increase to this level. Take inventory of the type of porn content you view. You might be farther into the addiction than you think.
5) You can’t even imagine life without porn.
Imagine going a week without porn. Could you do it? How long has it been since you watched porn? How many times a day do you watch porn? When you think about giving up porn, what emotions are immediately triggered?
6) You’ve tried quitting, and you just can’t.
Have you ever told yourself you would quit, and then went right back to it in a day or two? Do you try justifying pornography to yourself (“At least I’m not…)?
Pornography is extremely addictive. Not everyone who views pornography will become addicted to it, just like not everyone becomes addicted to alcohol or food or gambling. But pornography addiction is a very real thing. Click on the following links from Fight The New Drug to learn more about pornography addictions: