Are You Idolizing Your Healing Journey?
Guest blog by Jasmine.
Are you idolizing your healing journey?
This is the question that my counselor asked after I had one of the worst porn binges that I had in over a year.
My name is Jasmine, and I have struggled with porn and masturbation for almost ten years. These last couple of years have been some of the most challenging years regarding this struggle. At the beginning of 2022, I made up my mind that I was going to do whatever it took to seek healing and walk in freedom. I was so tired of struggling with such a “shameful” sin. I tried absolutely everything to be free, and nothing was working. I felt like I was on a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions. I would be okay for a few days and then have another relapse. I would put more blocks on my devices and set strict boundaries with my accountability partners. I would go to conferences and have these crazy breakthrough moments. I followed all the accounts on Instagram that talked about recovery from porn and masturbation. I listened to all the podcasts and watched all the sermons.
I started connecting with so many people and sharing my story more and more, hoping that the right person would say something that would magically set me free, but at the end of the day, I was still just as bound as I was before. My shame and guilt had me trapped in a prison cell, and I truly started to believe that God had thrown away the key. I was convinced that healing was not in the cards for me, and this was something that I was going to struggle with for the rest of my life. I gave up and stopped trusting that God is who He says He is.
From January 2022 to the beginning of December, I did nothing but seek healing. I was obsessed, which in turn caused me to condemn myself and stay bound.
One night I was in a counseling session after a terrible week. I was crying and so angry with God. I told my counselor that I did not understand why God would allow me to stay caught up in porn and masturbation. She listened to me vent for a while, and when I was finished, she asked one simple question:
“Are you idolizing your healing journey?”
The Holy Spirit jumped inside me. At that moment, the scales fell off my eyes. I realized that I was seeking “healing” instead of seeking the Father. So, after that session, I unfollowed every account about pornography and masturbation. For every account I unfollowed, I replaced it with an account that spoke directly to my purpose and identity. I stopped listening to all the podcasts and left the recovery groups I was a part of.
Please don’t hear me say that any of these things are bad. They are wonderful and have helped many people in their recovery process, but I had replaced my pursuit of God with these things. I had made them idols.
What does it truly mean to seek out healing?
Jeremiah 29:12-13 says, “Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”
My time with the Lord has grown deeper and richer in the last month that I have been simply seeking the Father and not seeking healing. I have developed a love for scripture that I do not believe I have ever had. I am not to going to lie, I have relapsed several times, but my relapses have become less frequent. I also decided that for every relapse I have, the harder I will pursue the Lord and worship Him. He wants our entire heart, not just the pieces that we believe need healing.
As I write this, I am reminded of Psalm 37:4:
“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
For so long, I desired to just walk in freedom. Yes, this is a good desire. But when I started to take delight in the Lord, He showed me His heart, and then my heart's desire became to desire Him more and not only turn to Him for healing. That’s when I began to walk in true freedom.
Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” This includes true healing.
If you are like me and you are seeking a healing journey, I want to challenge you and ask you the same question I was asked. Are you idolizing your healing journey? If your answer is yes, then maybe take a step back from everything you have been doing. Start seeking the Father, and His heart and healing will be added to you.
Lastly, I want to share a specific song that God has used to speak to me during the last month. It is a song by Elevation Worship called No One Beside/Have My Heart. The chorus of the song simply says, “Oh, magnify the Lord. Let us exalt His name together. No one beside you, Lord. Honor and praise are Yours forever.”
There is no one and nothing that can compare to the goodness and kindness of our Heavenly Father. Isaiah 40:25 says, “To whom will you compare Me? Or who is My equal?” says the Holy One.”
Porn and masturbation cannot stand beside the Holy One. You will not struggle with this forever, my friend. The grace and mercy of the Father are too powerful to allow you to stay in bondage for the rest of your life. Run to the Father, seek His heart, and give Him all your heart because He loves you.