Accountability Strategies
Accountable2You defines accountability as “the attitude and practice of willing individuals to take responsibility for themselves and to communicate with others about their choices and behavior so they can show their integrity and grow in maturity.”
Your accountability partner (AP) is just that: your partner. They are not your babysitter, counselor, pastor, or prison guard. They are a person you trust and have invited into this recovery journey with you. They are there to support you, help you process what you’ve been through, challenge you, love you, and lovingly call out your sins.
Many people quickly give up on their accountability relationship because they don’t think it’s working. They set high or unrealistic standards for their AP. They don’t think their AP is doing enough for them and, therefore, they are failing. They feel like their partner has abandoned them, doesn’t understand them, or just doesn’t care enough.
Typically the problem stems from unrealistic or miscommunicated expectations. When you open up to someone and ask for their help, the only way they know how to help you is by knowing how to help you. Whether they struggle with porn or not, your recovery journey is different than theirs. What worked for them might not work for you. What they think you need might not actually be what you need.
Maybe you don’t know what you need. That’s totally okay! Accountability relationships aren’t meant to be perfectly structured or overcomplicated. Allow yourself to be flexible, to adjust when needed, to try different strategies (different seasons of recovery might require different strategies), to ask new people for help, to mess up and try again.
That being said, here are some strategies you can try with your accountability partner!
Daily Check-ins
At the beginning of your healing journey, daily check-ins might be necessary. Here are some examples of daily check-ins:
Cheerleader Texts: Your AP can send you an encouraging Bible verse, a reminder of your worth, or a hype GIF to encourage you to stay strong and resist temptation!
Questions: You can establish a few questions that your AP texts you every day (e.g. “Did you watch porn today?” “What triggered you to watch porn?” “Did you spend time with God today?”). Answer the questions honestly, and use them to help you in the future!
3 Checkmark System: Text your AP at the end of each day 3 checkmarks (I didn’t watch porn, I didn’t masturbate, I spent time with the Lord today). If you watched porn, masturbated, or didn’t spend time with God, send an X emoji. This system is great for taking responsibility for your own choices and allowing your AP to rejoice with you and have helpful conversations with you.
Goodnight: Your AP sends you a reminder text to put your phone away, turn on worship music, pray, and go to sleep.
Good Morning: Your AP sends you a reminder text to get out of bed, stop scrolling on social media, and start the day off with breakfast and quiet time.
If your AP forgets to text you, this doesn’t mean they don’t care. If you watch porn, do not blame them for not texting you. YOU are the one who is accountable to them. You can be the one to send your AP a text every day.
Virtual Accountability
Your AP can be the person who receives reports from Covenant Eyes, Accountable2You, or whatever accountability software you choose. They can also be the one to change your screen time passcode and restrict Safari and the App Store on your phone. Remember, a conversation should always follow a slip-up. If you choose to watch porn and your AP is alerted, schedule a phone call right away to prevent you from slipping back into shame and isolation.
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Coffee Dates
Schedule a weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, quarterly (whatever you need in your current season) coffee date to just talk! What good does talking do? It prevents this sin from slipping back into the dark and festering with shame. Your AP could pray with you, discuss what the Lord has been teaching the both of you, and check in with how you have been feeling on your recovery journey. She Recovery has a fantastic accountability discussion guide that you can fill out in advance and discuss those questions with your AP during your coffee date.
Prayer Warrior
Whatever strategy you use, prayer should always follow confession. But, if you know someone is particularly faithful and passionate about prayer, you can ask them to be your prayer warrior. Ask that they specifically pray for your healing in this area and schedule consistent times to talk on the phone or meet up to pray together.
Emotional Support
Your AP might not have the time to meet with your consistently. She might not feel comfortable providing you guidance in this area. But everyone is capable of being an emotional support buddy every now and then. Ask your AP if she would be willing to accompany you to your first counseling session. Share your little victories with her and allow her to celebrate you! This strategy is good for if your AP is a very busy person. It doesn’t put any responsibility on your AP to reach out to you, but it acknowledges that this person is ready to celebrate you, support you, love you, and be there for you when you need her. It humbles you. It requires you to reach out to her for help.
Note: it is totally acceptable to have multiple accountability partners. One person might be able to be your virtual accountability partner, but not meet for coffee every week because she is a mother of three and incredibly busy. Another lady might be able to intentionally disciple you each week. Surround yourself with fighters, and don’t be afraid to try new strategies!