Signs Your Daughter Might Be Watching Pornography

Ladies, I’m going to expose all our secrets. But let’s be honest, they weren’t doing us any favors.

Parents, I’m talking to you now. This is something that I want all of you to know, including my own parents! If you discovered that your daughter watched porn - for one minute, two months, or a ten year addiction - I do not want you to feel responsible. I do not want you to feel guilty. I do not want you to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It is not your fault.

God gave you the beautiful responsibility of raising your children and keeping them safe, but it is not your responsibility to know, memorize, identify, or protect them from every single thing in this world that can harm them. Frankly, that would be impossible and a burden that no one should bear.

The Millennial and Gen Z generations have way more access to pornography than most of you probably know. We don’t have to buy magazines or movies and hide them under our beds so our parents don’t find them. We don’t have to buy anything. It’s free, and it’s everywhere. It is on every single social media site. It is on YouTube. It is on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, and probably every streaming site you can name (except maybe Disney+). There are free chatrooms online, as well as free online libraries for erotica (from soft romance to hardcore pornographic literature). If your child watches movies for free online (e.g. 123Movies), chances are they have seen a pornography pop-up advertisement.

Most children find pornography by accident. That is how common it is.

I told my mom once that I don’t want her to feel guilty that she didn’t “notice the signs” because I was really good at hiding it. Besides, if I gave any “signs,” she probably wouldn’t have picked up on them because she didn’t know what to look for in the first place.

And this wasn’t her fault! Neither is it yours.

So I want you help you out, parents. I want to lay out the “signs” before you so that if you see them happening within your own family, you can call them out. After some brief explanations of the signs, I’ll explain what you should do if you start noticing them.

How do I know if my daughter is watching pornography?

1) She gets uncomfortable, resistant, or angry if you ask to look through her devices.

Everyone has a right to their own privacy, so I don’t recommend secretly snooping through your child’s phone (besides, they probably have a passcode that you don’t know). However, I would recommend occasionally asking, “Do you mind if I take a look through your phone/computer?”

This can be done in a manner that doesn’t violate her sense of privacy. She can sit right next to you and go through the device with you. You can avoid looking through her text messages (unless you feel like there is something that needs to be exposed). You can establish ground rules from the very beginning. Let her know that when she gets a phone, you will be performing random phone checks every now and then.

Whatever you choose to do as her parent, if she appears extremely uncomfortable, if she resists (she’ll probably throw out the “this is such an invasion of privacy!” excuse), or if she gets really angry/frustrated with you, chances are she is hiding something that she doesn’t want you to see.

2) She deletes her browser history

Again, this is where those random device checks come in handy. If you look through her internet browser history, and every single thing is deleted…she probably wiped it clean for a reason.

This doesn’t just apply to the internet. You can delete search history on Instagram, Facebook, and movie streaming services (Netflix, Hulu, etc.).

We get very clever when we’re trying to hide something, so also check the dates on her browser history. If you know she’s been on her phone or computer one day, but all the data from that particular day is missing, she has probably deleted something fishy.

3) She seems hesitant when you ask to Google search something on her phone (and she likely offers to do it for you).

Maybe you don’t conduct random phone checks, but you simply need to look up something on Google. Maybe your phone is dead or hers is closer to you. If you ask to use her phone and she quickly responds with, “Why? What for?” that is sign #1.

If she insists on searching the information for you, that’s sign #2.

If you notice her open Safari for you and clear her web pages, or if she opens the Google link for you, that’s sign #3. Why? Because she is probably paranoid that she didn’t clear her search history, and if you typed in the letter “P,” she doesn’t want her secret searches to pop up right in front of you.

4) She has increased anxiety and body image issues.

There are many factors that cause anxiety and body image issues, but if your daughter suddenly has an increase in anxiety and low self-esteem, we’d recommend having a conversation with her. Find out what’s going on in her life. If she’s hesitant to tell you, watch out for other signs that might indicate she has been watching pornography. Or just be straight forward with her and start the conversation about pornography and sex.

5) She makes/understands adult references, sexual jokes, or laughs when she hears an age-inappropriate joke.

If she knows the punchline of an adult joke or understands a particularly inappropriate sexual reference, she had to have learned it from somewhere.

6) She reacts to movie sex scenes on either end of the spectrum: casually with no shocked reaction, or overly squeamish.

If a steamy sex scene appears in a movie or television show and your daughter has absolutely no reaction, it means that she isn’t shocked by what she is seeing. She’s seen it before, and maybe things far worse.

If she overemphasizes her disgust, covers her eyes and goes “Eww! Look away!”, she might be trying to get you to believe that she would NEVER dare look at such images.

What should you do if you see the signs?

First and foremost, you should try to have an ongoing, open conversation about biblical sexuality, safe internet usage, and pornography with your child from an early age. If you haven’t yet, now is the time to begin.

Hopefully keeping the discussion frequent, comfortable, and open will help her to be more comfortable coming to you if she does happen to see pornography.

If you do see any of these signs, set aside time to talk to your daughter privately about them. Ask what has been going on in her life. Ask if there is anything she is hiding that she would like to tell you.

If she doesn’t open up to you, go to someone she might be willing to open up to. Talk to her spiritual mentor or small group leader about what you have been seeing, and ask if she could address the topic of pornography to the group as a whole.

There are other reasons these signs might be presenting themselves. The most important thing is to establish a comfortable, understanding, grace-filled relationship with your daughter and to have frequent conversations with her on this topic.