Alainna’s Testimony: The Importance of Surrendering
In 5th grade, I went online to find some ghost stories to share at a campfire. The link I clicked led to a bunch of popups that crashed our family computer. Even though it wasn’t my intention to go to that site, I felt ashamed by what happened, so when my parents asked me about it, I lied.
I continued going back online to look at pornography - what started as curiosity became a craving. It wasn’t until high school that I heard anyone in church ever talk about porn. A guy shared about how it almost destroyed his marriage, and I felt so much conviction. In my all-girl bible study that week, I was prepared to come clean - then the group leader said, “we’re just gonna have a fun group tonight since porn is a boy problem.” After the conversation transitioned into how gross boys are, I became fully convinced that I was irredeemably dirty. My conviction (which directed my eyes towards the Lord) turned to shame (which directed my eyes towards myself) and all I could see anymore was my own sinfulness.
By college, I was an expert at hiding things about myself that I didn’t want others to see. During my sophomore year, 3 friends asked to meet me in the study lounge. When I sat down, they told me that they all were struggling with various forms of sexual sin, and they felt like God told them to ask if I was also struggling. I looked them straight in the eyes...and lied just like I did as a scared 5th grader. Even though they wrestled with the SAME thing, I was convinced they could never love me if they knew. Looking back, I see that I responded the exact same way Adam and Eve did in the garden when they realized they were naked; they felt shame so they covered themselves (Genesis 3:7). And when God came near, being so intimately exposed, so completely visible, induced fear so they hid (Gen. 3:10). I could barely look at myself, no part of me wanted to be seen by my friends or by my God.
That night, and many nights after, I would angrily pray at God for tattling on me - “What is Your motive? How is this going to help? I can fix this by myself!” James 5:16 helped it click that His motive was for my healing and that having other people walk with me would be important to that process. It took about a year before I gave His method of confession a try (and I did it so vaguely that my friends had no idea what I was confessing), but the Lord blessed my attempt. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders - to let people see me, not the version of me that I thought they wanted, and to be met with love and grace there. That is when my healing started.
As healing continued, one of the most important things I have learned is that I cannot will myself to stop sinning. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. (Romans 7:18). At first, that understanding felt like a crippling defeat. Why even try if I was going to keep messing up? Now, however, it is some of the most freeing news of all time. To quote Richard Foster, “We cannot free and purify our own heart by exerting our own will. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshipping the will. Willpower has no defense against the unguarded moment. It has the same deficiency as the law - it can deal only with externals. Inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God’s work, not ours.”
True transformation comes from surrender, not shame. My shame convinced me that I needed to heal before approaching God and community; surrender convinced me that I needed to approach God and community to heal. In surrender, I was able to come out of hiding, sit before the Lord, and be reminded that my identity is not defined by my sin but by my Creator. And He looks at me and says “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1).
Currently, I celebrate years of being free from porn while humbly understanding that sin will always infiltrate all aspects of my mortal life. My goal is not to never struggle with sin - that’s impossible - but to continually bring myself before the Lord and let Him shape me. Instead of hating my humanity, I praise God for meeting me there. Everytime I sin, whether in my sexuality or in any other realm, I try to immediately and repeatedly say, “Thank You for loving me unwaveringly” - where shame used to draw me into isolation and despair, gratitude draws me near to Love that heals and transforms. I’m not afraid to be seen anymore; I may be capable of great sin, but God is capable of greater grace.