Alison’s Testimony: Graves Into Gardens
After being miraculously saved from suicide and set free from three years of extreme depression and an addiction to self-harm on the night that I gave my life to Jesus at the age of 15, I really, really loved Him. I remember so many nights writing prayers to Him in my special journal and telling Him how much I loved Him and wanted to make Him proud. I used to wake up at midnight when everyone else was asleep and put on worship music and sing love songs to Him. He saved me when there was no earthly hope for me, and I was just so in love with the beauty of His love and forgiveness that He showed on the cross when He died for me. after three years of hell that I thought would never end, I had so much hope for the future.
So you can imagine how my heart completely shattered when I fell into sexual sin online at the age of 17 after an emotionally abusive relationship that left me feeling completely worthless, and when I became addicted to pornography, words can’t describe the shame I felt. I thought that Jesus was disgusted with me and ashamed of me and didn’t want me or love me anymore. my heart was so broken. the extreme shame that I felt kept me from going to Jesus for forgiveness and restoration, so I had no way to find freedom from the sin that made me feel so filthy and disgusting and unworthy of love. I was convinced that if I looked into His eyes, I would only see anger and disgust.
Because I thought Jesus didn’t want me anymore and I had lost Him forever, I was desperate for someone to make me feel loved and like I was still worth something, which led to me pursuing the first guy who had ever shown some kind of interest in me. I was still heartbroken because of believing that Jesus didn’t love me anymore because of my pornography addiction... and then I was violently raped and forced to perform sexual acts against my will. if I thought I had felt shame before, it was nothing compared to how dirty, disgusting, worthless, and ashamed I felt when I was raped.
I will never forget that feeling of lying in the hospital bed in so much pain and believing that it was my fault, that I deserved it, that it wouldn’t have happened to me if I was a better Christian, that it was punishment for my sin of being addicted to pornography (which I now know were all lies from the enemy that he whispered in my darkest moments to try to keep me from Jesus forever. if you have been sexually abused, please know that it was never your fault and that there was nothing you could have ever done to deserve it). I wanted so desperately to go to Jesus for comfort but I believed that He was mad at me and even more disgusted with me and ashamed of me because of what happened to me and what I was forced to do. my self worth was shattered. words can’t describe how filthy and ashamed I felt.
To this day I don’t know how I had the strength to call the police right after it happened because I was completely alone and everything in me wanted to just end my life because I didn’t see how I could have hope for the future and how I could ever feel anything but shame. I remember how completely alone I felt and how I felt like I had to be strong because I had literally no one to go to for comfort and I felt like Jesus didn’t want to comfort me because I thought I had brought it on myself because of my sin. one night in the hospital, I broke down and wrote “whore” and “worthless” all over my body. I didn’t see how He could still love me when I felt so disgusting and shameful.
Ten years later... words can’t describe the beautiful depths of healing that I am experiencing through intimacy with Jesus and my identity as His bride. my story is that of the Shulamite... begging the King not to look at her because she feels unworthy and doesn’t see how He could possibly want her and yet He does not see her shame, He sees her as His beautiful, pure, and spotless bride.
Finding my true worth and identity in my reflection in Jesus’ eyes has brought healing, wholeness, and restoration that I never would have imagined possible.
Freedom from pornography was never found in trying harder, but through intimacy with Jesus and encountering His pure and beautiful love for me.
Now my consuming passion is to spend my life helping other women who have experienced sexual abuse find restoration of their identity and wholeness through Christ. a big part of this is the book of poetry I have written about my healing journey and my women’s devotional that I am currently writing about healing and restoration through intimacy with Jesus in the Song of Songs.
My life and my identity has been restored in a way that is truly a miracle. I have been made whole and restored from my addiction to pornography and from rape through beautiful intimacy with my Bridegroom King where I become radiant and free from shame. my identity is no longer found in my brokenness and shame from my sin and from being abused, but I can finally see myself as clean and pure and whole and worthy of love as I am captivated by the love in Jesus’ eyes.
My prayer for every woman who reads my testimony is that you will know that no matter what you have done or what has been done to you, there is healing and wholeness in Christ.