Anonymous Testimony: Hospital for the Broken

Hello! For my story I’d like to keep my name anonymous, but I am 17 years old. I struggle with pornography, lust, masturbation, and fantasy. I’ve always been known for bad memory, so I’m not exactly sure what age I started all of this. I want to say it was around age 11 or 13. It’s crazy to think that pornography has caged me in for that many years. I also think it’s so crazy that I’m actually brave enough to write my own story which I haven’t been able to do for so long.

So let me start when I first started watching pornography. Like I said, I don’t remember my specific age but it was when I was really young. I don’t even know or remember how I got exposed to it. Most people who struggle say they saw it on a computer or something on TV, but I’m honestly not sure how I got hooked. I just kind of starting watching it one day. But it didn’t start with hardcore pornography. At age 13, I wasn’t obviously sure what everything was. I didn’t know what a condom was, I didn’t know what sex was, I really didn’t know anything about what I was watching. I think this is why I got hooked: I wanted to know more. I wanted to know exactly what I was watching.

My parents weren’t “helicopter” parents. They didn’t hover over me 24/7. They kind of let me do whatever I wanted to do. They weren’t like most parents and didn’t look through my phone or through my computer. They trusted me. And I hope you aren’t reading this blaming my parents. This is absolutely not my parents fault. And to any parent out there reading this, I’m not saying you need to hover over your child more. That’s not going to solve anything. In fact, statistics show the more parents hover over children, the more likely they will be good at covering up secrets and hiding them.

But anyway, back to my story. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I learned what masturbation was. At this point I was accessing pornography through Instagram. But I wanted to go a step further. I wanted to “feel” something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. So I started talking to guys through Instagram. Random guys who just wanted to talk about sex. I know this is unsafe, but when you have an addiction like this, you’ll do anything for that “high” feeling. These guys taught me what it meant to masturbate, and I quickly became hooked.

I didn’t realize I had a full on addiction until I went to church camp my freshman year of high school. I told my camp counselor what had been going on all these years and guess what??? She struggled with pornography too! She told me that I had an addiction, and of course she was right.

Later that summer I met another amazing girl from camp, and she also had an addiction. Girls and boys who are reading this.... there are others out there with the same addiction. It’s not just you. For many years I thought I was the only “disgusting” one out there that watched it, but once I opened up to people, that’s when I truly knew that I wasn’t the only one. If you are out there struggling with pornography, tell someone!!!

Now I’m not saying tell your whole school or anything that dramatic, but you really need to tell a trusted person. And this might not be your parents. I still haven’t told my parents yet. Only a couple people in my life know about my addiction. Do I plan one day to tell my parents? Absolutely, and that’s something I continue to pray about. For God to give me the right time to tell them. But seriously, you need to tell someone. And even if there’s no one around to tell, talk to God. He’ll always listen. He’ll always understand. Guess what? He knew you were going to sin before you even did! Isn’t that crazy?

I now want to talk about how pornography has changed my perspective of my faith. So I call my addiction “a repeated sin.” I do it over and over again. But every time I do it, I ask God for forgiveness. Now what I used to do was just say “I’m sorry” to God, and I thought that was enough. Friend, it’s not enough. You need to truly be sorry for what you did. I had a pastor tell me once that if you ask for forgiveness of a sin but do that same sin again, were you really sorry?? That hit my hard.

I got saved November of 2020. Best decision of my life. I learned so many things about my faith once I got saved. The Bible talks about our human flesh failing. This is 100% true. Our flesh WILL fail, but God won’t. One of my favorite Bible verses is Romans 3:23 and if you grew up in church you may know this one. It says,“For all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.”

That right there is saying that we will make mistakes. We will sin. But can I tell you something? Christ died for that sin. Christ died for your addiction to pornography. He did it because he loved you so much. Friend, if you are still struggling with pornography even though you told yourself you were done with it, it’s okay. And I’m not saying it’s okay to continue to keep watching it, but don’t believe the lie that you aren’t enough for God’s grace. He loves you even when you are sinning.

I also want to talk about temptation. Even from the start of the Bible, you see temptation. It’s always going to be there unfortunately. Whenever I would get the feeling of relapsing, I would hear the devil tell me, “You can just look at a couple videos of porn and you’ll be fine” or “God won’t care if you just watch a little porn today.” DONT BELIEVE THESE LIES!!!!! Getting one moment of pleasure isn’t going to fill the void in your life that Christ is supposed to fill.

Whenever I would relapse, I would feel immediate guilt after I was done. I felt so dirty and so unworthy to even talk to God and ask for forgiveness. Those were more lies that I believed. Guilt and shame don’t come from God. Only conviction does. So if you are feeling spiritually convicted (which is supposed to happen) after you sin, that means the Holy Spirit is moving through you. You aren’t too dirty for God. You aren’t unworthy. You can still go to church, read your Bible, and pray. Church is a hospital for broken people. And what I mean by that is church is filled with sinners. So why do you feel like you can’t go just because you watch porn?

Before I end this I’d like to say that if you’ve tried everything to beat your addiction, have you tried surrendering everything to God? Trusting him with everything? Give your porn addiction to God. Trust him with it. Whenever you are feeling like you might relapse again, pray or read your Bible. Keep your mind distracted.

Parents, if you are reading this... pornography is just as great of an addiction as smoking or drinking. You want to get the “high” feeling and you’ll do anything you can to feel pleasure even if it’s just for a second. If your child is keeping a secret from you, please don’t get mad at them. From someone who has been hiding this secret from many years, I can tell you that I never meant to hurt anyone. I love both my parents so much. I never wanted to hurt them or hide this from them. Most kids are afraid to tell their parents because they are afraid of how they will react. Please understand that your child has been through hell battling pornography. It’s not easy. Some days you just want to give up. Make sure your child feels loved. Make sure they aren’t exposed to things too young. Pornography can ruin someone’s perspective of sex. Porn isn’t love.

To the fellow person reading this, I just want to say... don’t give up. I know there have been days where I didn’t think I’d make it. I even have had suicidal thoughts and anxiety. Don’t believe the lies that the devil is trying to tell you. God loves you. Just because you sin doesn’t change the fact that Christ died for you. Surrender everything to God. Trust him to help you through this tough journey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’ll destroy you. I encourage you to get an addiction time app on your phone. It lets you put the last date in which you relapsed into the app and it’ll let you know how many days you’ve been clean. Remember, small steps. Don’t expect to become clean instantly. Healing takes time. Also be safe on the internet. A lot of creeps out there. Don’t send nudes. Don’t ask for them. I hope my story has helped someone out there. Remember, there is ALWAYS someone else who has the same story as you. God will use your mess someday to help someone else.