Kylie’s Testimony: Daily Surrender
I first began viewing pornography as a senior in high school, but I started becoming more sexually curious in 8th grade after my boyfriend (who was 4 years older than me) introduced me to foreplay and everything but sex.
God has been so gracious to redeem and restore me out of my brokenness. I would cry in bed some nights and ask God why he wouldn’t take away this desire. Romans 7:15-20 became a comfort to me in that Paul wrestled with his flesh as well. “ For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom 7:15). I desperately wanted deliverance, but I believed in my heart that I was the only woman who struggled with this sin. I had only heard sermons written for men on this topic. Satan used isolation and shame to keep me in the dark where the addiction grew stronger.
3 years into my addiction, I finally told my sister and she responded with “me too”. I hadn’t been alone after all. I wish I could say that this was the end of my struggle, but I didn’t do the hard work of surrender. There would be short seasons when I would think I had conquered pornography and masturbation. I thought getting married would fix everything, but of course it didn’t. I told my husband about my struggle, and he was also so gracious and kind. He too struggled with this addiction, but I was able to have empathy since I knew how someone could hate part of their flesh and still struggle.
There were little to no resources for women in 2010-2012 when I was searching. There was one book I had found, but the title was off putting to me, and so I never bought it. I decided I was going to just white knuckle it with God.
In 2019, I gave birth to our 4th son. Something about being a mom to these 4 precious boys gave me the resolve I needed to get help. I wanted to break the chains of addiction in our family. I wanted to stand in integrity and be able to shepherd our boys well. My husband and I put Covenant Eyes on all of our devices, and I started learning about self-accountability. I had always viewed accountability as someone sitting across from me asking what sins I had committed. Instead, I learned to be accountable for my thoughts and feelings. I came across a quote from Proven Ministries that said, “We crave what we consume,” and that really stuck with me. If I was consuming the things of this world, I was going to crave more of it. So I did an inventory of shows and movies that I watched – some of them seemed innocent, but I knew they had to go. My brain was sick, and I needed to clean house. I learned about surrender. I had always thought of it as a one-time deal, but I realized that it was a daily choice, sometimes even a minute by minute choice to surrender my desires to the Lord. I also found a curriculum called True Freedom, and I started working through the weekly lessons. There were lessons I didn’t think would be applicable to me – lessons on forgiveness or dealing with past wounds. The Lord was revealing that my heart was full of things that needed rooted out. I was so prideful, but in his great love and mercy – he dealt kindly with me. He restored and healed my heart and my mind.
I am 21 months free and sober now. I had the opportunity to share my story with my church family last winter. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but the Lord went before me. I was overwhelmed by the number of women who came up afterwards and said, “Me too.” I started a Freedom Group here at our church, and we have 8 women who come consistently to walk through addictions and destructive behaviors. I often feel unqualified, and I have to remind myself that the Holy Spirit working in and through me is the only qualification I need. Women are finding true freedom, and it is an incredible honor to walk alongside them in their journey. Sharing my story created space for other women to share theirs. Jesus gets all the glory!