Katie’s Testimony: In God’s Perfect Timing

One day in middle school, I was on the bus and heard some kids talking about girls kissing each other. I had no idea something like that was even possible, so when I went to bed that night I googled it. I saw pornography for the first time. I cried myself to sleep because I felt so dirty and sinful. I never wanted to feel that way again.

But a couple years later, I stumbled on it again. And again. And again. I went through all of high school carrying this secret shame, refusing to acknowledge it or confess to someone. Because girls didn’t have this problem, right? Growing up, I was taught that boys are more sexual than girls. That we need to protect our brothers in Christ from temptation, and guard our hearts (and theirs) from sexual sin. So I kept it to myself.

Fast forward to my freshmen year of college. I was still addicted. I was still living in shame, and I felt like I was the only girl in the entire world who had this issue. This thinking made me feel dirty and unworthy. It got to the point where I couldn’t go to sleep without it. I was completely disgusted with myself, and ashamed to even admit what I was doing. I was afraid of intimacy, because my view of sex had been completely tainted. I had serious body image issues. My anxiety levels were through the roof. I wanted to stop and I wanted to forget the things I had seen. But I didn’t know how.

Fortunately, I had been attending a new church where the current focus was on spiritual battles. I felt God pulling me to the altar, but I was refusing to move. People would look at me and know that I had a problem. It felt like someone was trying to push my body forward. I had never experienced something like this before. I felt so uncomfortable, but I knew God wanted me to go up there. I finally gave in and went to the altar, and through many tears asked God to help me break this addiction. I went back to my seat, hearing God loud and clear: “You need to tell someone about this.”

That was the last thing I wanted to do. They wouldn’t be friends with me anymore if they knew. What I did in secret was disgusting, I was unworthy of the friendships I had. While silently arguing with God, a note was passed to me from a friend a couple seats down. “Wanna talk after church?”

Great, now I had to tell someone.

For the first time, I said out loud “I’m addicted to pornography.” I told her everything. She listened quietly and then simply said, “I love you. God loves you. You are worthy of that love.” It felt like 100lbs of weight was lifted off my shoulders. The very next day, my best friend texted me saying she needed to confess something. She said she was addicted to pornography and had been since middle school.

I was shocked, speechless, and in awe of God’s timing. I wasn’t alone. All those years I spent secretly struggling, my best friend was going through the exact same thing. We had so many sleepovers and coffee dates and not a single one was spent talking about what we were both going through. We never knew, but now that we did it sparked an even deeper friendship as we tried to hold each other accountable and break this addiction.

It was hard. We tried everything. Most of the resources we found were geared towards men, it was almost impossible to find something or someone we could relate to. But we agreed that we would no longer keep suffering alone. We began to feel more and more comfortable with sharing our addiction and our pain with other women. And every single time we did, they would say “Me too.” It wasn’t just us who had this problem. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t have to feel like I was the only girl who struggled with this. I was no longer held captive by my shame. I wasn’t isolated in sin.

As we continued to try and break our addiction, we prayed for God to open our eyes to the triggers that initiated the temptation. I began to notice that I was more likely to fall into temptation when I was lonely, sad, anxious, or bored. I then became more aware of my actions when I felt myself starting to feel any of those emotions. I prayed for God to give me a way out of the temptation. I have never felt more seen by God than in those moments. When I began to feel tempted, I would get a phone call. Or my phone would die. Or the WiFi would go down. I was definitely given ways out of the temptation, but it was up to me to act on it or not.

It took a lot of years to completely break this cycle of addiction and sometimes, I still slip up. And to be honest, I will always be fighting this. But I know with all my heart that God still loves me and I am worthy of not only His love, but the love of my husband and my friends as well. I never want to feel the way I did when I was addicted to pornography. I was isolated in a pit of shame and guilt, not knowing how to crawl out. But Jesus gave me the strength I needed to dig myself out. And now, I have deeper relationships because of my willingness to open up and share my shame. I have a healthy view of intimacy and sex. I have a stronger relationship with Jesus. But most importantly, I am no longer a slave to sin. I am a forgiven daughter of the most high King. And for that, I am eternally grateful.