Hannah’s Testimony: The Power of Vulnerability
Hello! My name is Hannah and just like you, I have a story, that has not always been easy, but has made me who I am today. I want to share a little bit of that with you. I grew up in a christian household and from a young age, I learned all the bible stories and knew them by heart. I have always been known as the “quiet one” in my family and throughout most of my years in school. I was never one to talk at family gatherings or in class at school. I had plenty of friends and honestly, it felt like they were the only ones who actually knew me. I grew up with serious anxiety and never wanted to be the center of attention, even within my own family.
When I graduated high school, I started feeling lonely. I had never dated anyone, let alone gone on even a single date, but all my friends had. I had been asked out a couple of times, but by boys who I knew better than to give a chance. Some might have seen that as unfair, but, despite my loneliness, I also knew my worth and was not about to settle for someone who would be gone in a second.
So, here I was. In college now. Alone. Bound by anxiety and no good men pursuing me. I didn’t even have any mentor figures looking out for me or pursuing me. I honestly felt so alone. That’s when I decided to take it into my own hands. I wanted to feel better, so I resorted to watching porn and masturbating to ease my loneliness. And it did. For a minute. Then I would feel alone again. And again. And again. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. And NO WAY was I EVER going to share it with ANYONE. Being a girl and struggling with porn? That’s a shame and humiliation I couldn’t bare. Society and churches tell us that porn is a “guy” problem. So, I would try to stop. And I would fail.
It went on for awhile before the pain and humiliation and guilt was too much. I was in my apartment kitchen when I broke down and told my friend, Gloria. I expected her face to be disgusted and appalled at my dirtiness. But, surprisingly she wasn’t at all. I had a sense of relief. It wasn’t until I decided to sign up for the World Race, an 11-month mission trip to 11 different countries around the world that I spoke about it again. I was at the training camp and I felt this guilt overcome me. “How could I go on this trip and act like I have it all together when I obviously don’t?” I thought. I felt like if I told them, I would be asked to leave, but if I didn’t I would feel as though I deceived my way into being accepted to go. So, tearfully I walked up to my mentor and told her. She smiled, nodded her head, said “me too,” prayed with me, hugged me, and I left feeling a sense of freedom.
I started to realize the power of vulnerability. I began realizing that I was NOT even close to the only female who had this struggle. I slowly began seeing that there was no need to walk in shame, but that I had the ability to walk in freedom. Today, I am walking in that freedom loud and proud. If your story is similar, please rest assured that you are NOT ALONE. And you can overcome.