Megan’s Testimony: Sanctification Is A Process
My struggle with masturbation and fantasy began sometime in middle school. At the start, I didn’t even realize that it was sinful because my understanding of sin and sex was so limited. I was just a pre-teen girl, curious about her body. I remember googling whether it was sinful and being assured by many sources that masturbation was normal, natural, and definitely not sinful. That should have been a comfort to me, but deep down I still knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew that something so enslaving, so addicting, could not be glorifying to God.
As time progressed and I went to college, God was faithful to convict me that what I was doing truly was sinful. In choosing to masturbate, I was declaring that satisfying my fleshly desires was more important than obedience to God’s design for sex within marriage. Realizing that I was sinning did not just make the problem go away, however. As much as I resolved to stop masturbating and threw all my self-control and determination at it, I still continued to give into sin every time I was tempted. This led to a year-long cycle of failure, discouragement, and eventually giving up the fight all together.
For several months, I prayed daily that God would take away the temptation to masturbate, but in His faithfulness to sanctify me He chose not to. I became angry with God, not understanding what good could come of this seemingly undefeatable sin. Questions of doubt flooded my heart: if God is sovereign, why would He have me struggle with this repulsive sin? Why wasn’t He listening to my cries for relief from this temptation? Didn’t He see that I wanted to stop? I was broken, overwhelmed at the depth of my sin and my inability to fight it on my own strength. Yet I convinced myself that if I could only have a little more self-control, a little more determination, then I would be able to overcome my struggle with masturbation and turn to God and to others in repentance of my “past” sin rather than my “present” sin. I was so lost, sitting in my sin. I wanted to get out, but I didn’t have the humility to confess that I needed help.
Then one night, the Lord allowed me to have a conversation with a dear friend in which she reminded me that our battle against sin is founded on the Holy Spirit’s power, not our own. That night, the Lord opened my eyes to see that the reason my fight against this sin had been so futile was because I was trying to battle it alone. When temptation arose, I ran to self-determination rather than surrendering the battle to the Lord. The manner in which I dealt with this temptation was a window into the way that I viewed my sin – not as an idol but as an inconvenience I could be distracted from. By His grace, the Lord slowly changed my heart to view my sin as the abhorrent, repulsive idol that it truly was and surrender the battle to Him. Every time I encountered temptation, I began to immediately turn to prayer: “Lord, help me.” Of course, I also developed practical strategies such as moving to a public space, changing positions and/or clothing, and initiating a conversation with a friend. But the most important step in my battle plan was the first: crying out to the Lord for help. As I learned to humbly submit the battle to the Lord, He graciously gave me victory over my sin.
It wasn’t perfect. I didn’t just decide to stop sinning and then never sin in this way again. I returned to masturbation and later to fantasy, which the devil disguised as “less sinful”. I confessed my sin to sisters in Christ, but often only in parts because I was too ashamed to tell the whole truth. Many times, I chose the immediate satisfaction of sin over the eternal satisfaction of obedience to God. But God is faithful and merciful. He worked through His word and the accountability of friends to transform my heart. As I experienced both victories and failures in fighting this sin, He opened my eyes to see more clearly both my depravity and the sweetness of the cross. I spent many hours on my knees, crying out to the Lord for forgiveness when I sinned yet again, praying Psalm 51 through tears of guilt and pain. In those moments, He faithfully reminded me of the implications of the gospel. Because of Christ’s death on the cross, I am JUSTIFIED before the throne of God, and I am FREE from the power of sin in my life. I can fight against my sin by the power of the Holy Spirit. And in the victories, I can sing praises to Jesus my Lord, knowing that my victory is not even one percent based on my strength, but in Christ alone.
The Lord has graciously given me victory over masturbation and fantasy, but that is not to say that I am never tempted. There have been periods of time in which the Lord is gracious to keep me from temptation, and there have been periods of time in which the temptation is stronger than ever before. I am humbled by my fleshly desires, but I have full confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit to fight against whatever temptations may come, no matter how strong. And I put my trust in the power of Jesus’ blood on the cross to wash away all the stains of my sin. I can sing in new humility and joy because of this struggle, “My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought, my sin NOT in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. PRAISE THE LORD, praise the Lord, oh my soul.”