Rachael’s Testimony: Beauty in the Mess

Victorious. Sometimes this word marks my days, and other days it does not.

August 13th marked one month for me not masturbating. Masturbation. That word makes me cringe, and I still struggle sometimes with saying it out loud. It has taken me a while to grow more comfortable with even saying the word. The subject of masturbation comes with some caveats, so for some people, it is not completely black and white. However, in my current season of life and for me personally, I see it as a sin for myself and something I want to abstain from doing.

So many times, I wanted to wait to share a testimony of FINALLY overcoming my struggle with masturbation. I want to speak from a place of victory where it no longer has power over me and I am finally free without feeling tempted at all. THAT is the woman I want to be one day. I would tell myself that one day, I will share that I no longer struggle and be able to speak in the past tense: “I used to struggle with masturbation.”

I hear a lot of pastors or other people sharing that they “used to struggle,” but what about the people who are still in the middle of the mess? Who wants to share that they still have not conquered a particular sin struggle? Usually no one. We want to hear the victories and how someone finally turned their life around without looking back. We want the happily ever after endings. Unfortunately, that is not my story. Not yet.

Yes, I have abstained for a month now, which is all thanks and praise to GOD. However, I still get tempted, and there are days when I want to give in to temptation and the momentary pleasure. That is how my story has been. BUT GOD. He has been walking with me through this journey, and what I have learned has been so valuable. It is more than just abstaining from sin or doing what is right. God does not want a bunch of rule-following robots. He wants to walk beside us as we learn and grow.

This is the beauty in the mess. That is how I feel. There is beauty in the journey, and my testimony is just as powerful even though I do not fully believe I have conquered masturbation. I am so proud of myself for not masturbating for over a month. That is a victory for me, and I will continue to keep track. I wanted to share part of my testimony because I think there is so much power in sharing our stories, and your story still matters, and what God is doing matters even if you do not feel like you have overcome your sin struggle. The amazing thing about God is that He still loves us despite the mess, but he also loves us enough to not allow us to stay there. The journey is so much better than just reaching the finish line.