Jessica’s Testimony: Don’t Buy The Lies
God’s promise of redemption and freedom in Him is something that is always talked about in the church. It’s something you are supposed to strive for… But no one talks about what to do if you stray off the path that you’ve grown up on. No one in the church prepares you for the amount of guilt, shame, and continued struggle that comes from willful disobedience. We see from the dawn of time that our actions have consequences…. But for whatever reason, we never expect our actions to have them or if we have them, we never expect them to last for decades.
God’s promise in Joel 2:25 where it states “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” I have clung to this verse so many times in my walk with God. More so even in my recovery walk, where I have begged God to redeem my story.
Hi, I’m Jessica, a daughter of the King of Kings, and I struggle with porn and sexual addiction. I’ve grown up in the church - literally. My family was the type that if the church was open we were there. We went in on Saturday to clean the building, or we were always there to decorate for the holidays. I was raised in a Christian home with Christian values. I chose ever so slowly to walk towards sin. I knew what I was choosing was wrong. I felt the conviction. I ignored it and walked away, choosing sin over God and His good, pleasing, and perfect will for me.
When I was 16, I began to seek out chatrooms online back in the early 2000’s like MySpace and Yahoo Messenger. I began to talk to a 21-year-old college student at Purdue. I didn’t know him - which should have been a huge red flag - but he knew people in the grade above me so I didn’t think anything about it. I began to message him daily, and I agreed to go meet him on campus. I lied to my parents and told them that I was going bowling, but instead walked further into campus and met this college student who I had been talking to. We walked around campus, and he led me to an empty dressing room off one of the theaters. At 16 I opened a Pandora's box. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but when I was in the heat of the moment I didn’t care. I had no clue what that one willful disobedience act would start.
If you saw me outside of church you’d see a young lady who was continually making the choice to willfully sin. I continued having sex with various guys, and continued talking to people in chatrooms. I needed sex. I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel love.
I was 17 or 18 when I was introduced to porn. I bought into the lie that porn made me loved and wanted. I bought the lie that all guys wanted someone who knew what they were doing sexually. But, I felt abandoned, lost, empty. That should have been enough to have me turn back to God. But I wasn’t done yet. I wasn’t ready to leave the addiction. I wasn’t ready to leave the thing that I found love and comfort in. When I was in my 20s, I started a relationship that would ultimately lead me deeper into my addiction. I found myself in a relationship with a man who was almost double my age. I was lying to my parents. I was sneaking off and trying to hide the relationship. Over the year and half we were together, it was extremely toxic, manipulative and abusive. This relationship ended by me seeking an order of protection against him. Once again, that should have been my wake up call - but I still wasn’t ready to give up my addiction.
Over the next decade I continued to struggle with my body image, my self-worth, my depression, my anxiety. My addiction to sex and porn was running wild and no one knew. I was the “perfect” Christian in church, but I was living in willful disobedience to what I knew God was calling me to. I wasn’t ready to give up the life of sin I had so carefully crafted. It was soothing. It was familiar.
One thing that never changed from when I was 16 was that I prayed for God to use my story to reach just one person. If my story could help one young girl or young woman, it was worth it. That’s still my prayer today as I continue to navigate recovery. I’ve been blessed in my recovery journey. I say journey because I'm not completely free and sober, but I'm now continuing to choose God and turning less and less to porn and sex as my coping skill when life is tough. I’ve been blessed with a sweet friend who is a true soul sister and my biggest battle buddy. You see, Satan wants you to be isolated and alone. Alone is where sin thrives. To become free and sober you have to find your battle buddy - the person who you will confess to, who will love you unconditionally, who will come to you with tough Godly love when you need it most, and who will storm heaven’s gates on your behalf when you can’t fight anymore.
I encourage you to find your battle buddy and share your story. Your addiction loses power when you share it. If no one else tells you - you are a daughter of the King of Kings, you have worth and value, and you are more than your addiction. Don’t buy the lies.