Alex’s Testimony: God’s Loving Mercy

Hi! My name is Alex, and I am 25 years old! My story is not one I can say I am very proud of, but it is mine and I trust that God in His goodness can make all things new. Personally, I struggle with pornography and masturbation, and sadly I was exposed at 11 years old. It was sixth grade, and I still remember it vividly. I won’t go into detail, but I was exposed to some erotica in my home and had no idea what it was. I remember being confused by everything I felt and before I knew it, I was in a full-fledged addiction.

It was about this time that I also really started developing my faith life, so that brought with it a whole new element of confusion, but also shame. As I got older, I realized what I was doing was wrong and that God wanted more for me, but I already felt so lost and had no idea how to find freedom. In adolescence, the idea of telling anyone made me shrivel up. I thought I was disgusting and that absolutely no one could understand. I feel blessed now to know how wrong I was.

I think my first true step toward freedom came in high school when I ended up sharing my struggle with a group that I really trusted. My knees were shaking I was so scared, but the relief I felt when it was out in the open was exhilarating. The graces of that moment continued to flow when another woman came to me, hugged me, and said “me too.” That was the first time I realized I was not alone.

My struggle did not stop then, but my relationship with Christ deepened and allowed me to stop dwelling in shame. I was able to share my story more often and every time I did, I realized just how prevalent the struggle with sexual sin is and how little we talk about it. One of my best friends in college ended up sharing her difficulties with me too, and I gained my first accountability partner. Praise God, she has been such a blessing in my life through the ups and downs. The biggest cross I feel comes with this struggle is a feeling of shame and hopelessness. Having someone to carry it with you and remind you of God’s goodness has been crucial in my life.

This addiction is not something I would have chosen for myself, but The Lord is so good, and I truly believe He has used it to draw me closer to Him in faith and humility. He has broken down my defenses and showed me that I can only ever find true joy and freedom in Him. I would like to say I am completely over this sin, but that is not the case. Every day is still a battle and sometimes I fall. God, in His loving mercy, continues to invite me back to Him again and again. I encourage every woman struggling with sexual sin to remember how beloved and beautiful you are and that your sin has never defined and will never define you. Throw yourself into the arms of Jesus, and He will catch you every time.