Erin’s Testimony: The Last Time

Have you ever had a secret so big that you would never tell another soul? 

I’ve had two, one I’m not so concerned with sharing, but this one… this one feels terrifying. This one feels too much for others to handle. 

For the past ten years I’ve struggled with self-injury and pornography. Both of them have been part of the shame cycle. I cut, so I feel ashamed, so I turn to porn, then I get ashamed and turn to self-injury and so on. 

I was seventeen when I started to seek out pornography. I had been exposed via a VHS tape in early elementary school (first grade) and also knew it was a thing because of a limewire download that was corrupted. I had a boyfriend who I chose to have sex with, and when we broke up the next boyfriend I had was against anything–even kissing before marriage. I chose to look to pornography to “learn” how to masturbate so I could “do it myself.” And that began the cycle of selfishness that said, “I can’t get what I want from you (boyfriend then, now husband) so I’ll do it myself.”  

Through these ten years I’ve seen things no one should ever see. I’ve watched too many hours of pornography. I’ve read too many erotic stories. I’ve had fantasies about people that I would never want to tell them about–all of this while masturbating. 

I swore I’d never tell anyone besides my husband and one friend from college that I struggled with this specific sexual sin. 

But God had other plans. 

In 2019, about 3 years after my husband and I married, I chose to dive back into self injury, and it was getting to a point where I knew if I didn’t get help I probably would end up in the hospital. So I signed up for counseling through our church. I had been through counseling before and some of the information stuck, but I didn’t want to choose not to sin. 

I met my counselor a few times before the first time I had self injured whilst meeting. When I met her after that first time she asked why I had done it. It was because I went behind my husband’s back and watched pornography. I had to tell her because I asked for help, and pornography was part of the issue. I never planned to say anything. This was going to my grave. I confessed, and we discussed more in other sessions. Then a pandemic and babies happened so we stopped meeting for a while.

In 2021 after pregnancy and postpartum, I began using my sins to cope with the awful feelings that can come. Instead of turning to God, I was turning to pornography and masturbation and self-injury. I started meeting with my counselor again, and we started talking more about the heart issues that were underneath. For a few months, I struggled hard with the issues, until one day she asked me to write a letter “laying it all before God.” So I did. That letter was one of the most transformative things I’ve ever done. I confessed I was holding on to my sins and that I was angry and frustrated over other situations in my life, and I told Him where I was spiritually in that moment and thanked Him for the grace that I could finally see. 

Want to know what happened next? 

I started a daily Bible habit. In the 6 years since my salvation I had never had a daily quiet time. A lot of the time I felt too ashamed to go to the Word and didn’t know the power it had. After that letter, I began sending a picture or sentence about my time in Scripture to my counselor. A few months later, I confessed and asked a friend to be my accountability partner on Covenant Eyes and to meet with me regularly to hold me accountable. She would ask me how my struggles were going and what God had been speaking to me that week. The weeks where I would fall I’d tell her how God’s Word was right there after falling, telling me how Jesus faced temptation too and that I was not alone. And I would tell her about the times where I’d see an Instagram post that was discussing the things I was studying. 

Accountability works. It is the hardest thing to ask for, but once it is in place it works. It is another barrier between me and pornography. It makes me question whether I want to confess that I’ve looked at it again. It encourages me to keep working on recovery and healing. It makes me want to please God. 

James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

I have confessed sins and I have felt prayers and I am healing. There are things I can’t be a part of while I am on this healing journey. There are conversations I can not partake in. Right now there are too many images and memories that get triggered by little things. One day, I pray on this side of Heaven, I will get to do things and not have those images brought up. One day I will be completely free from this sin, and it will only be my past. 

I have chosen disobedience more than I’d like to admit, but I am learning to choose the One who chose to die on a cross for me. The One who knew I’d struggle with pornography. The One who knew I needed to know He loves me. The One who holds my heart. The One who is Redeemer, Rescuer, and my Hope for tomorrow.  

I have a lot of hope in Jesus that the last time I gave into temptation will be just that–The Last Time.