Kylie’s Testimony: Heart Change
When I look back on my childhood, I can think of so many ways that hypersexualised culture affected me without even realising it. I can remember being just 7 years old and hearing my classmates make jokes about sex. By the time I was 10, it was everywhere. We would discuss music, tv shows, or any other sexual things we knew about. I quickly figured out which friends knew the most and if I didn’t understand anything, they would explain it to me. Over the next few years, the conversations got more detailed. I thought I was so mature for having those discussions and knowing all those things, yet we never discussed commitment, communication, or anything to do with a healthy relationship, just sex.
I saw porn for the first time when I was 13. By then, my friend group had been having regular detailed conversations about sex. One day, they mentioned something about porn, and I was embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know what they were talking about. I knew it was something sexual, and I’d heard that it was bad, but I wasn’t entirely sure. When I got home that day, I googled it. I saw enough to answer my question but kept watching. I stayed away from porn for a while after that, but eventually came back to it. Around the same time, I discovered masturbation. I thought of it as a loophole. I wouldn’t technically be watching porn, so it wouldn’t be as bad. But it was never enough. I began to seek out more, first with movie scenes, erotica or anything that didn’t come from a porn site, but eventually I began watching porn as well.
I remember going to a worship service themed around breakthrough. I was praying and begging God to take my addiction away. I felt so much shame even entering church because I thought that God was annoyed with me for repeatedly making the same mistake. During one of the songs, God showed me a picture of him taking my hand and saying, “I’ve got you.” I still struggled for a few more years, but I knew that God was with me. I managed to start to have longer periods of freedom, with one making it up to 10 months, but would still eventually find myself back in the same cycle. It was after the longest one that I realised that I focused so much on behaviour modification but hadn’t really allowed myself to heal.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked someone for help. Some people were kind and supportive, but most didn’t know how to help. Others didn’t see it as a big deal or only took parts of it seriously. But I knew that I needed help. It got harder each time I had to try again, but somehow, I managed to find the strength to keep trying. In the meantime, I did everything I could think of to find long lasting freedom, including buying multiple books, trying to get counselling, going to conferences and support groups, and anything else I could think of.
While I was desperately trying all those things, multiple churches that I knew were promoting their courses for men and not even mentioning women. It felt like a massive slap in the face. I was doing everything I could possibly think of by myself and not seeing anything change, yet men had a solution practically handed to them. (That’s not to say that it isn’t difficult for men to admit that they need help. It takes so much strength for anyone to ask for help when they need it.) After about a year of giving it everything and not seeing change in my behaviour, I reached a point where I felt like I was out of options. It seemed like I was just going to have to live with it, but God reminded me that he had been with me through the entire journey. He showed me that even though my behaviour hadn’t changed yet, my heart was changing and healing. He told me that he was pleased with me for not giving up, even though it seemed impossible, and reminded me of how far I’d come.
A few months later, I missed my bus to church and decided to visit another church, slightly closer to home. I sat down in the back corner, thinking it would be a one-off visit. That Sunday, for the first time in almost two years, I felt hope. I didn’t know how or when, but I could sense that a breakthrough was going to come sometime soon. A couple of weeks later, I went back there, and asked someone to pray for me at the end of the service. When I went home that day, I noticed that I felt different, but expected the feeling to pass in a few days. In the following weeks, I realised that I wasn’t getting triggered by so many of the things that used to trigger me. And the times that I was triggered, I was able to say no. I finally felt like I was in control. That was a year ago now, and so much has changed since then. I’ve rediscovered old hobbies and found new ones. I’ve made more friends at church and began serving again. I’ve even been able to process and heal from all the things I was avoiding. There are still some things that I could improve on, but I know that God is with me. He has restored so much already and is continuing to help me heal.