Anonymous Testimony: But God
My testimony really starts before I was born. I had a bit of an unconventional childhood in that my dad became handicapped two years before I was born. My parents loved each other, but had a different relationship. Things had calmed down a bit by the time I was born, and my mom had put some boundaries in place with my dad. Namely, my parents did not share a room or a bed. My mom displayed God's faithfulness in loving my dad and taking care of him for the 12 years he was handicapped until he passed away when I was 9. This is such a testimony of God's faithfulness displayed through my mom. However, that means I did not really know what a healthy, God-centered marriage looked like in my own home. I had other relationships I could look to in my church or my grandparents, but nothing in my home. I thought it was weird that my friends' parents slept in the same bed. I remember being fully committed to the idea that I would not sleep in the same bed as my husband when I was older. I don't remember my mom ever really talking about sex explicitly. I grew up knowing we shouldn't have sex till we were married and what I learned at school, but that was the extent. It wasn't taboo to talk about, just not really discussed.
My mom re-married when I was 12 and I struggled with the change. I thought my step-dad was nice enough, but we struggled to find our bearings as a family the first several years. So there I was, starting puberty and I've never thought about sex in my whole life. Then, as husbands and wives should, my mom and step-dad had sex. And I heard them. I was confused by what was happening. I was upset. I didn't want to hear it, but yet drawn to it, wanting to understand it at the same time. “What was sex like? What were they doing? What were those sounds?” I asked myself. I wasn't in a good place in my relationship with my mom at the time. We had always been generally open with each other, but there was no way I was going to talk to her about her having sex or how I was feeling about it. I was struggling enough as it was. I blamed her for that struggle, and I sadly harbored anger.
Also during this time period, I had a back injury and ended up being home alone during the day quite a bit. Satan loves to get us alone and idle, doesn't he? I had time on my hands, sex on my mind, and was emotionally struggling to cope with the changes in my life. I got on the computer and looked up porn. I honestly don't remember much about what I actually watched, I just remember it was porn. I don't think I even watched that much, just enough to understand what it looked and sounded like.
This led, though, to a more serious addiction to masturbation. It's a slow but easy fade from hearing and seeing sex to wanting to know how it feels. It was a dark time for me, honestly. I still struggled with the temptation through my young adult years. It bled into my relationships with boys. Always trying to get as close to physical satisfaction of my flesh but never crossing the line to intercourse with someone. Bottom line, I didn't make purity a priority.
I met my now husband when I was 18. I never told anyone about my sexual sin up until that point. However, I wanted all the cards on the table with him before we got too serious. We were talking late one night, and I felt compelled to confess. Not in a guilty way, in a healthy way. I told him, and he didn't react negatively. He is one of the most gracious people I have ever met. He has shown me over and over what active, unconditional love is. Obviously, he didn't let me have a free pass. We both knew my sin was wrong. But I was showing him the darkest parts of myself, and he displayed love and grace in return. I knew I had unconditional love from my mom and other family members, but I never experienced it like this before. I was in awe that this man in his early 20's, imperfect as he was, could so simply extend me grace. He didn’t hate me, he didn’t reject me, he still wanted to be with me. It directly pointed to God and how HE loves me unconditionally. “How much bigger is God's perfect, infallible love and grace for me?” I thought.
It was really the beginning of me understanding and accepting God's grace in my life. Grace doesn’t make sense, but boy, am I thankful for it. It’s salvation. It’s the freedom we have in Christ. It’s unlike anything else we can experience on this earth.
Not only experiencing and receiving grace for myself, but God used my experience for our good and His glory. When family or friends confess sexual sin to me, I am able to extend the grace that I’ve received. To understand the struggle and also know of God’s goodness and sovereignty. I am able, through God’s strength, to come alongside others and live out the calling of sharing one other’s burdens. It hasn’t been the easiest or the most beautiful road. BUT GOD. He uses literally EVERYTHING for His perfect will. Even when it takes faith before you can see, feel, or understand the purpose, I promise you, He is working. Abide with Him and share the load.