Emily’s Testimony: Restored
I grew up very naïve. One day after feeling particularly in the dark about what my classmates were talking about, I turned to google. I was tired of feeling left out of the group and made fun of for being “too innocent.” Unfortunately, I had no idea what google had in store for me and I was exposed to pornography when I was 12 years old. Immediately, I was struck with confusion. I knew that this was not something that I should be watching and it made me feel dirty. However, the other part of me was intensely attracted to it. This led to a vicious cycle of shame and binges. For the next two years I turned to pornography again and again. I was hooked. I had no intention of ever telling anyone about this secret and I was certain that I was all alone in this.
Things changed after my freshman year of high school. Suddenly, I stopped turning to these videos all together. I was not actively trying to stop, I just did. Looking back, I can see that this was purely God’s grace at work in me. He knew that if I stayed hooked for any longer, I would have never turned back to Him. Although, I was not really free just yet. Instead of pornographic videos, I was consuming erotica and I had an active fantasy life. Both of these struggles lasted for years. I constantly tried to justify them by saying that they were not nearly as bad as the videos I was watching. Although, in my heart I knew these alternatives were not good because I was keeping this part of my life hidden from absolutely everyone. I never wanted anyone to see how broken I was, including Jesus. I locked up that part of my heart and started to pretend. On the outside I was a perfect Christian girl that loved the Lord, never broke a rule, helped lead retreats, and was at church way more than most people. On the inside I was broken, beaten, full of shame, and felt so dirty and alone.
I continued to pretend and hide my authentic self from people for years, leaving me incredibly lonely. During my senior year of college my stress and loneliness reached a high point. I ended up falling back into watching pornographic videos and I masturbated for the first time. Shame immediately took over me and I thought that I was too far gone. Instead of running to Christ, I turned inward on myself and indulged as often as I wanted. I lost the very minimal prayer life that I had and my shame was telling me that I had to hide. This lasted for about a year.
One day I realized how unhappy I was. I was using pornography, masturbation, and fantasy to numb the pains of loneliness and stress, but lust was also numbing me from joy, happiness, and love. I resolved to stop, but I couldn’t. This was an addiction that was years in the making and I was not strong enough to fight it alone. After the Lord revealed this to me, He gave me just enough strength to confess these sins to the priest at my church. The priest met me with great rejoicing and love because he knew that this was my first step in coming back to Christ. This confession took place on August 1, 2020 and ever since then the Lord has been taking me on an intense and beautiful healing journey. This journey consisted of time in therapy, spiritual direction, accountability with wonderful friends, filtering software, tears, and lots and lots of prayer.
This year of healing was probably the most challenging year of my life. I was not free from temptation after confessing for the first time. In fact, it felt as if the temptations got even stronger and there were so many times that I would give into the urges. I fell with my cross so many times, but each time I was face first on the ground I would pick up my cross again and ask Jesus for His mercy. Through His love He would wash me each and every time. However, there were many times that I became discouraged because I had been fighting for so long and still felt stuck. I wanted the Lord to remove this thorn from my side, but He chose not to. He desired a much deeper healing for me, a healing that could only take place if we pressed deep into the wounds. He wanted me to learn to trust in His strength and not rely on myself. The Father desired to restore my identity as His beloved daughter. He asked me to humbly offer Him the broken and messy pieces of my heart so that He could transform them into something beautiful. If I were freed from the beginning, this deeper healing and trust in the Lord never would have occurred. Therefore, I praise Him for the sufferings and struggles because they have brought me closer to Him.
I am still not living in complete freedom from this addiction. I am still fighting. I still have to reach out to my accountability partners. Each day I have to ask Jesus for His strength and often I have to run back to His merciful heart. However, I have a hope and confidence that I will be free. Our God can use everything for good, so I encourage you to take a leap of faith and offer Jesus your heart today. Offer Him the mess and brokenness and He will start a good work in you. “I am confident of this that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). Don’t lose hope. Don’t listen to the lie that you will never be able to overcome this. Jesus is at work in you and He will heal you.