Kaila’s Testimony: My Beloved
When I was 15, I was a really insecure girl. I was always trying to fit in with the popular girls. I wanted to be noticed by guys. I felt unseen. I felt like the odd one out. I just wanted to feel loved and known. I felt loved by my family members and friends but there was a piece of me that wanted it from someone else- a guy specifically.
I wasn’t allowed to date at 15 when this desire of wanting a boyfriend blew up. I watched a ton of romance movies which then led to starting to be curious about sex and looking up pictures. That then led to looking up videos. I stumbled upon websites that no one should fall upon. Most of the time I watched these videos because I was bored, I wanted to feel love or it was late at night and my flesh was taking over my spirit in my mind. The sad thing about this is I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. I knew pornhub and other websites like that were bad but even though I was on these websites watching these videos, I would cover the screen a little so I only saw people making out. I felt like I wasn’t sinning because I wasn’t seeing the full thing but each time I would slide my hand a little bit more. My flesh wanted more. I became addicted.
Watching these terrible videos made me feel some sort of love for a small instance but little did I know that wasn’t truly love. Romantic movies and pornography made me think I was “being fed with love and attention.” A lie from the enemy is if I covered up some of the screen, then I wasn’t “technically” watching porn because I wasn’t seeing everything. Those are big fat lies from the enemy. He will use those thoughts of “oh, this isn’t THAT bad” or “this will make you feel better.”
At this point I felt like I needed help. I had gone so far into watching these videos, sneaking it behind my parents back and lying. I was scared of telling them because I was afraid I was going to be judged, disciplined and I just felt like I was going to be seen as a terrible daughter. What I had seen was now starting to clog up my mind for everything. I had visuals in my head. I would dream about this and I would wake up already having this temptation.
I went on a walk with my mom and I opened up to her. I explained how I was sneaking and lying and how long I had watched these videos. We prayed together and I then turned on a filter for these websites so whenever I was tempted, it instantly blocked me.
There are two lies that are common regarding pornography. The first one was the first lie I heard which was basically making an excuse or numbing what the problem actually is. The second lie is you are a failure after watching these things. Maybe you made the choice to watch these videos but Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” That doesn’t give an excuse to watch these videos or participate in any other sin but it does remind you that though you fell into the trap, you are forgiven. You are set free and you are a beloved child of God
To start fighting this, you have to go to the root. For me, it was control and not trusting God. I have had to learn how to fight these temptations by learning how to come to God as my Beloved.
I’ve had people ask me, “How do I turn away from this and fight the temptations?” First thing: repent to the Lord. Be honest with Him, He can take it. Tell everything to God. Be honest with the reasons why you were doing it and just lay it all down before the Lord. I had to be honest with God and tell him I didn’t feel satisfied by Him, how I felt ugly, unwanted, unseen and not valuable. In Psalm 32:5 it says “I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, "‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’; And You forgave the guilt of my sin.” Your confession must come with a broken heart that shows that you are repentant and ready to turn away from your sin. Repentance means “to turn around.” When you have a habit of sin in your life, it is like getting in a car and driving away from God. When you repent, you stop moving away from God and turn around to face Him again.
Step 2: Get rid of the temptation. Not only do you need to remove every trace of pornography from your home but you also should take practical steps to put barriers between you and any sources.
Step 3: Find an accountability partner. My accountability partner was my mom, sister and my best friend at the time. Ask your accountability partner to check with you anytime, day or night. Tell them to ask you the hard questions.
Step 4: Build biblical truth into your life. Most of the time, those who watch porn are trying to fulfill a void in their mind and heart. I started praying Ephesians 6:10-17 every morning.
Pray pray pray. This is a battle. It’s an addiction and the Lord will help you, you need only be still, open the word, be honest with him and let him give you the strength to fight. Look to Jesus and say “only you can be to me what I need. Only YOU can satisfy me.” Find your everything in HIM.