Jasmine’s Testimony: Total Deliverance and Freedom
Over the past decade, I have been in a tormenting, abusive relationship with pornography. This relationship has had me damaged from the inside out. I was exposed to pornography when I was 10 years old through a cousin. She had absolutely no malicious intent. She just found a magazine that was full of same sex pornography and showed me. As a child, I became more curious with the things I saw, and I started looking up more things on our family computer. Then I began acting these things out with my other female cousins. I quickly became disturbed by the things I was doing.
I had always loved Jesus and I began to tell myself that if I wanted to love Jesus then I wasn’t allowed to look at these things or have attractions to the same sex, so I just stopped. Still having these seeds planted in my mind, throughout my teenage and college years, I became obsessed with what guys thought about me. I would try to put myself out there and guys would constantly reject me. I started to believe that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for guys. Periodically, I would remember the things I was exposed to at a young age. I then started to believe the lies that since guys didn’t want me, then maybe girls do. My senior year of college, another female gave me the attention that I so desperately wanted from a guy. We ended up giving into sexual desires. This relationship lasted for almost 2 years. The entire time, I was miserable. I still loved God, but I was living this secret life.
After God removed her from my life, I was so stuck in shame and guilt that I would catch myself turning to porn and masturbation to try and fill that void. I was so good at putting up a front. No one knew that I was struggling with these attractions or addicted to porn. As a young adult, I was always involved in ministry. I held a platform at my church. I was a part of our campus ministry in college. When i graduated college, I became a full time collegiate minister for the university that I graduated from. I became the person that would counsel females struggling with the exact same thing I was struggling with. My shame and guilt became even greater because how could I, a minister, struggle with such a “massive” sin. That’s what I told myself at least.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of shame and guilt and then turning to porn and masturbation to try to heal that shame and guilt. I lived in silence for years. I would pray for God to set me free, but I wasn’t willing to put in the work to walk in freedom. I remember the first time I really broke the silence.
I was no longer working in full time ministry. I was with a friend sitting in her basement, and she shared her personal story with me. It was the exact same as my story. I remember breaking down, and for the first time light was shown on my guilt and shame. I wish I could say that I was completely delivered, but I wasn’t. I still struggled, but for the first time, I finally had accountability and mentors pouring into me and challenging me to start taking authority over this nasty, foul spirit. I finally felt like there was hope.
I told myself for a long time that same sex attractions, pornography, and masturbation was just my “thorn in the flesh.” Once I had a community of people fighting for me, I finally believed that it is possible to live in complete deliverance from sexual addictions. I began to take practical steps like limiting my screen time and adding softwares to my phone the monitor the things I look at. I started to going to counseling. I began sharing my story even more. I am a firm believer that the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. I learned that every time I messed up, I didn’t have to live in shame and guilt. Romans 6: 10 tells us when Jesus died, He died once to break the power of sin (that means past, present, and future sin), but now that He lives, He lives for the glory of God. In the very moment of me giving into temptation, I had to immediately walk as a forgiven daughter instead of a condemned sinner. I learned what the goodness of God really looks like. Through my journey, I want other women to know that they are not alone. It is possible to walk in total deliverance and freedom.